Bed Wars with Junior

A serious point of contention between my wife and I recently has revolved around my son sleeping in our bed. At two years old he takes up his fair share of our queen sized mattress. His constant moving can be felt through out the night. “He’s just trying to get comfortable”, my wife says. I don’t think he’s trying to get comfortable, I think he’s trying to find new angles to kick me in my nuts! And that’s just on normal sleeping nights, this isn’t counting the nights when he’s having his ninja-fighting dreams, then he’s kicking me in the face like Adam Sandler in “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan”. There have also been times when he starts running in place in the middle of the night, where he’s going I have no idea. Maybe he’s dreaming about picking up his toys that I scrape my feet on when I’m walking in the dark at night. Maybe not. I love how he finds a way to end up laying horizontal each night, no matter how many times I lay him back vertical. When he’s horizontal his favorite thing to do is put his feet on my back like it’s a coffee table. I move his feet off; he puts them back on, challenging my Daddy status. One day last week I decided to pull out my secret weapon: A heat seeking funk fart! He quickly pulled his little pajammied feet off me. Score one for the Daddy-Man! For my safety (and his), I can’t keep up the funk farting so I’m going to have to think of something else. I was thinking about putting on a giant Elmo mascot head and waking him up in the middle of the night so he would be too scared to sleep in our bedroom but that would just lead to more bad dreams and more running in place and more nut kicking. I was extremely tired last night and seconds from picking him up and placing him in his own bed in his room, when he put his arm around my neck and said “daddy” softly and went back to sleep. In my head I was thinking “You’re all right little man, you’re alright” (Like a bad 70’s black movie actor) That may have earned him another week or two in our bed but after that he’s going to his own damn bed!.............Sure